{"id":907,"date":"2011-12-07T00:00:30","date_gmt":"2011-12-07T05:00:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/awakenings.embklitzke.com\/?p=907"},"modified":"2011-12-04T18:35:44","modified_gmt":"2011-12-04T23:35:44","slug":"day-21-chapter-12-marin-13","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/awakenings.embklitzke.com\/?p=907","title":{"rendered":"Day 21 – Chapter 12 – Marin – 13"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>I shook my head.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cThat\u2019s not why we\u2019re out here, though.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Not to talk about what I\u2019ve seen.\u201d
\n<\/span><\/span>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cThen why?\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>He asked, turning toward me, leaning casually against the bridge\u2019s rail.<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cFirst, to talk to you somewhere we wouldn\u2019t be interrupted,\u201d I crossed my arms as I turned away from the view below us.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cBecause there\u2019s a lot I\u2019ve got to say that I don\u2019t necessarily need an audience overhearing.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Walk with me.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I started walking again, heading for the far end of Little Mac and the plaza beyond.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Phelan had to jog a few steps to catch up with me.<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cThom doesn\u2019t believe in any of this most of the time,\u201d I said slowly as we came to the far end of the bridge.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cIt\u2019s like he picks and chooses what and when to believe.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>He\u2019s afraid of something and I don\u2019t know what it is.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>But it started a while ago and it\u2019s mostly only gotten worse since.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Every so often it feels like it\u2019s getting better, then I realize about twenty seconds later that I was wrong.\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Phelan frowned, tucking his hands into his pockets as we veered left, walking along the ravine into the arboretum.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>The ruins of Au Sable Hall glittered in the sun, broken glass still hanging like jagged ornaments from metal and concrete wreckage.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cAre you telling me this so I\u2019ll step lightly around him?\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>I winced.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cYes and no.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Mostly I want you to figure out what he\u2019s afraid of.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>None of us seem to know, and it\u2019s getting harder and harder for\u2026well, for everything.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>He can\u2019t keep being in denial.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Everything I see, everything I saw is telling me his denial is dangerous, might even kill him.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Visions of him dying hadn\u2019t come in the past week or so, though.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe that was a good thing, maybe it meant something had changed.<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Maybe, maybe, maybe.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Could I afford to bank on that?<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>No.\u00a0 <\/span>Not at this point, not now.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Not yet.<\/span><\/em><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cGiven how he feels about my cousin, do you really think he\u2019ll talk to me about things he won\u2019t talk to any of you about?\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>I had to smile.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI think that\u2019s exactly why he might.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Besides, you\u2019ve got something to trade for that.\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Phelan\u2019s nose wrinkled.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI don\u2019t like the sound of this.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>What I know isn\u2019t for sale, Marin.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I give it freely, for everyone\u2019s sake.\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>I winced a little, feeling dirty.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cThat\u2019s not what I meant, Phelan.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Not what you know about all of this.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I gestured vaguely toward the ravine, toward the arboretum around us that was slowly starting to grow wild again, now free from the groundskeepers that once kept it tamed.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI meant about Teague and Kira.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>About all the hows and whys and wherefores of that relationship.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>That\u2019s what I mean.\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>He frowned again and finally shook his head as we walked on.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cNo,\u201d he said softly.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cNo, I can\u2019t do it that way.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I can try to find out why he\u2019s afraid, but I won\u2019t use information about them to bribe him.\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Shame filled me.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>He was right, of course.<\/span>\u00a0 I <\/em><\/span>should<\/span> be ashamed of myself.\u00a0 <\/span>How dare I ask him to do that.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>What\u2019s gotten into me?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Am I really that damn terrified of what\u2019s happening with Thom?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Why can\u2019t I just be happy that he accepts that there\u2019s things that I can see and do and that he loves me and be done with all of it?<\/span><\/em>\u00a0 <\/span>I knew why, though\u2014I was afraid I\u2019d lose him, and I knew I couldn\u2019t withstand that.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d I whispered after a moment.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI shouldn\u2019t have even suggested it.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>You\u2019re right, doing something like that would be wrong, and it\u2019d destroy any chance of a trusting relationship between the two of you.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 And do worse if he ever knew that the request had come from me in the first place.<\/em>\u00a0 <\/span>I tried not to sigh and rubbed my eyes, which stung with shameful tears.<\/span>\u00a0 Gods and monsters, what an <\/em><\/span>awful<\/span> human being I am right now.<\/em><\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Phelan touched my shoulder gently.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI understand, though.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>You\u2019re terrified and desperate and it\u2019s all right to be.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>If I was in your place, I have no idea what I would suggest.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>A brief, wry smile touched his lips.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI\u2019ve never loved someone that way before.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I probably never will.\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>I shook my head slightly and smiled weakly at him.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cMaybe you will.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>You never know.\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>He smiled wryly.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI can see why Kira likes you.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Just enough optimism to not be a total downer.\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>I began to laugh and after a few moments, the laughter verged on hysteria.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Phelan squeezed my shoulder as I bent over double, choking on my laughter and trying to calm down.<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cSorry,\u201d he murmured.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I shook my head, eyes tearing.<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cNo,\u201d I said as I gulped in air.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cNo, it\u2019s okay.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s just a lot of things.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I straightened slowly.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cYou said she got married.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>They got married.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Where are they?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Are they okay?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Safe?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Have you seen them since\u2026?\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 Since this all happened, since everything we knew died and the world became something new, something foreign.<\/em><\/span><\/span>
\n<\/span>He shook his head.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI know they\u2019re safe, but I haven\u2019t seen them since I helped her load him into the back of her car for a very, very long drive.\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cWhere did they go?\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I asked softly.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cWhere was it safe?<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>How do you know they\u2019re okay?\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cInstinct,\u201d Phelan said softly.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cThey went east and north.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>New Brunswick, Newfoundland, something Canada.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t\u2019 remember exactly because Teague loves to be delightfully vague and I was a little annoyed with him at the time.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>Phelan made such a disgusted face that I choked on more laughter.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>He smiled sheepishly.<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cHe\u2019s family,\u201d he said by way of apology.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cI love him.\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>I grinned and nodded.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cYeah, I know.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>I squeezed his arm.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cCome on.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s a place near here I need to show you.\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cOh?\u201d he sounded curious as we started to move.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/span><\/span>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cThe first place I ever ran into one of the <\/span>camazotzi<\/span><\/em>.<\/span>\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s how I know that Thom used to believe.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I shook my head.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s not why we\u2019re out here, though.\u00a0 Not to talk about what I\u2019ve seen.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThen why?\u201d\u00a0 He asked, turning toward me, leaning casually against the bridge\u2019s rail. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cFirst, to talk to you somewhere … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[31,32],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-907","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-chapter-12","category-day-21"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EBlN-eD","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/awakenings.embklitzke.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/907","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/awakenings.embklitzke.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/awakenings.embklitzke.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/awakenings.embklitzke.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/awakenings.embklitzke.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=907"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/awakenings.embklitzke.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/907\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":910,"href":"http:\/\/awakenings.embklitzke.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/907\/revisions\/910"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/awakenings.embklitzke.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=907"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/awakenings.embklitzke.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=907"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/awakenings.embklitzke.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=907"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}