They lapsed into companionable silence, each staring out into the ravine, at the half-melted snow and the bare-banched trees littering the slopes.
“I like it out here,” Carolyn said after a few moments. “It’s quiet. Makes it easier to think.”
“Is that why you really came out here?” Cameron asked. “To think?”
She sighed. “J.T. asked me to marry him.”
Cameron startled, turning to look at her. “I didn’t know that.”
“No one knows that.” Carolyn didn’t turn to face him, just kept staring at the trees, at the ravine. “I haven’t said anything and as far as I know, neither has he. You’re the first person besides he and I that knows.” She sighed, hugging her arms across her chest, hands tucked into her armpits for warmth. “I haven’t given him an answer yet, either.”
“I—” Cameron broke off, frowning. “Carolyn, I haven’t known you guys for very long comparatively, but from what I’ve seen—”
“I know,” she interrupted. “I know, I know. From what you’ve seen, we work, and you’re right, we do work. We really, really do. It’s not that.”
“Then—”
She exhaled a frustrated breath and shook her head. “Maybe I worry too much. Maybe I’m overthinking. Maybe it’s a lot of shit that I shouldn’t be letting myself be worried about. But I can’t help it. I couldn’t—I just couldn’t say yes right that second. I think—I hope—he gets that, that I need time, but I’ve been thinking about it for a few days and I still…”
Her voice trailed away. Cameron edged a little closer to her, his brow furrowed. “It’s okay not to know.”
“Is it?” Her jaw tightened slightly. “The rest of you make it look so easy sometimes. You and Neve. Jac and Phelan. Even Marin and Thom are making it look easy at this point—though they had some serious rough patches.”
“Must have been before I knew them,” Cameron said quietly.
“It was. On and off for a few years. Just when it looked like they were in it for the long haul about a year ago, Thom just broke up with her.”
Cameron blinked. I never would have suspected that. “Clearly that didn’t last. What happened?”
“He didn’t go to Chicago,” Carolyn said, as if that answered the question. His expression must have betrayed his confusion, because she laughed and shook her head. “Sorry. Sometimes I forget that you’re still pretty new to all of this.”
“You could say that, yes.” Cameron managed a smile and shrugged slightly. “Sometimes I forget that you guys don’t have much more history with Phelan than I do.”
Carolyn sucked in a sharp breath, her mirth fading. Her eyes drifted back toward the ravine. “The weekend it all happened, when the world ended, Thom wasn’t even supposed to be here. He’d made plans to go to Chicago and visit his folks. He had a job interview down there. Marin was getting ready to leave for grad school out east. She was leaving on Monday. Thom didn’t go to Chicago. He rescheduled his interview and didn’t go see his parents because he realized he couldn’t let Marin leave without saying good-bye to her—and maybe not patching things up. I don’t know exactly what was in his head, but I do know he never stopped loving her.”
“Then why—”
“That’s their story, Cam,” Carolyn said, glancing at him. A trace of sadness flitted through her expression and then was gone. “It’s not my place to tell it for them. But if you ask, be careful about it. I don’t think it’s a sore spot anymore, but you never know with those two.”
He nodded slowly. “Right. Are you okay?”
“Yes and no,” she said, uncrossing her arms so she could shove her hands back into her pockets. “Am I crazy for even hesitating when it comes to Jay?”
“It’s a big decision,” Cameron murmured. “It’s not one that most people make lightly.”
“I’m afraid,” she admitted.
“Of what?”
“Of what he sees. Of what he hears.” Carolyn squeezed her eyes shut. “I’m afraid that someday, I’m going to lose him to the dead while we’re both still living.”
That seems to be a valid concern. With her ability, could she be instinctively shying away from any connection with the dead?